I’m not actually asking anyone to suck anything, just thought I’d draw your attention to the winners of the 2012 Video Game Awards. And then mock their proceedings mercilessly by telling you what I think should have won. I have kept all my choices from 2012, which was bloody difficult.
90% of my suggestions are unlikely to be serious. I’m warning you now.
Game of the Year – Fable: The Journey
YES. Okay. I am massively biased, but this is a hands down win for me, even if only because I got to yell fireball at my TV. It’s also the only game I managed to play the whole way through for the first time in a long time.
Best Handheld / Mobile Game – Angry Birds Space
It’s the same, but also different.
Best Multi-Player Game – Lego Batman 2
Again, I know this is controversial, perhaps even the choice of a tiny child. I still think it was cool. Lego AND superheroes. Awesome.
Best Graphics – Halo 4
I concede. The opening sequence verges on sexual.
Best Song in a Game – “Short Change Hero” by The Heavy
The opening song from Borderlands 2! It also features in Arkham City advertisements. You can watch it here.
Best Downloadable Game – MINECRAFT
Hours of my life. Just…gone.
Most Anticipated Game – Tomb Raider
Oh, Lara. I have missed you.
Game Of The Decade- ARKHAM CITY.
HOW DID THIS NOT ACTUALLY WIN?!
Character Of The Year- Cortana (Halo 4)
I like my women naked and going mental, what can I say?
Besides, Claptrap (who actually won) annoys the shit out of me.
THE ACTUAL WINNERS.
Game of the Year – The Walking Dead: The Game (Telltale Games)
Studio of the Year – Telltale Games
Best Xbox 360 Game – Halo 4 (Microsoft Studios/343 Industries)
Best PS3 Game – Journey (Sony Computer Entertainment/thatgamecompany)
Best Wii / Wii-U Game – New Super Mario Bros. U (Nintendo)
Best PC Game – XCOM: Enemy Unknown (2K Games/Firaxis Games)
Best Handheld / Mobile Game -Sound Shapes (Sony Computer Entertainment/Queasy Games)
Best Shooter – Borderlands 2 (2K Games/Gearbox Software)
Best Action Adventure Game – Dishonored (Bethesda Softworks/Arkane Studios)
Best RPG – Mass Effect 3 (Electronic Arts/BioWare)
Best Multi-Player Game – Borderlands 2 (2K Games/Gearbox Software)
Best Individual Sports Game – SSX (Electronic Arts/EA Canada)
Best Team Sports Game – NBA 2K13 (2K Sports/Visual Concepts)
Best Driving Game – Need For Speed Most Wanted (Electronic Arts/Criterion Games)
Best Fighting Game – Persona 4 Arena (Atlus/ARC System Works/Atlus)
Best Adapted Video Game – The Walking Dead: The Game (Telltale Games
Best Independent Game – Journey (thatgamecompany)
Best Graphics – Halo 4 (Microsoft Studios/343 Industries)
Best Song in a Game – “Cities” by Beck (Sound Shapes)
Best Original Score – Journey (Sony Computer Entertainment/thatgamecompany)
Best Performance By a Human Male – Dameon Clarke as Handsome Jack (Borderlands 2)
Best Performance By a Human Female – Melissa Hutchison as Clementine (The Walking Dead: The Game)
Best Downloadable Game – The Walking Dead: The Game (Telltale Games)
Best Social Game – You Don’t Know Jack (Jellyvision Games)
Best DLC – Dawnguard – The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (Bethesda Softworks/Bethesda Game Studios)
Most Anticipated Game – Grand Theft Auto V (Rockstar Games)
So, there you go. I’m going to go have a cup of tea now, because WordPress has decided it hates me today, and I don’t know why. It’s infuriating. I might throw my laptop out the window.