It may not be so shocking that I am a huge Tim Burton fan. The man is a genius. On my birthday (which was Wednesday, thank you for asking), I finally got round to renting and watching Dark Shadows. I’ll admit, I avoided it for a little while, because the reviews ranged from terrible, to meh. I liked it, but I was always going to like it. I’m that sort of person.

However, I had one little problem with the movie. SPOILERS, and all that. In my opinion, any Tim Burton project is usually recognizable by the unlovable protagonist, who seems doomed to spend their life/eternity/every Halloween, alone. These projects usually wrap up with said protagonist finding love after all, and it’s wonderful.

See? Wonderful.

General theme: The freaks need love, too. As a complete and utter weirdo myself, I always found this reassuring. Like, okay, you wear a lot of eyeliner and you’re a monster, but it’s fine, you still get a soul mate.

(Side note: I’m generalizing. Sometimes, you just find inner peace and pass quietly on, or you are chased into hiding by an angry mob…but those things aren’t as romantic).

To me, Dark Shadows went completely against this. It probably didn’t help that the lady ‘freak’ in this situation is the one of the few women I would definitely and completely flip my sexuality for.

Eva Green, as Angelique Bouchard.

So maybe I’m biased. It just felt to me like Barnabas (cursed vampire) and Angie (evil and devoted witch monster) should have wound up together, instead of the leading man betraying the witch’s love (several times) in order to chase a skinny blonde guppy.

She is a tad guppy like, yes?

I don’t mean to sound bitter, I have never, to my concrete knowledge, been dumped for a skinny blonde guppy, but it just didn’t seem right to me. Yes, she wasn’t 100% normal, but she wasn’t very interesting, either.

Alas, my love for Tim Burton, it endures (much like the Collins family! See what I did there? Obscure movie reference hilarity), and I remain forever a fan of him and his apparent ‘dream team’ of Helena Bonham-Carter and Johnny Depp. I just feel like this movie missed the point, a little. There are many giggles to be had, and a few twists at the end (although a few of these are not surprising, and a few others seem irrelevant), but any movie where I feel the ‘bad guy’ should have won? May have needed a touch more character development.

Either than, or I’m psychotic.

Anyway, I feel I’ve made my point. Here are some more pictures of Eva Green being fabulous.


p.s. Don’t forget to stalk us on Facebook! No podcast this week, because I was busy getting old, but we’ll be back next week to sooth your lonely ear drums.